Happy birthday to me , happy birthday to me… How to hell I’m again in this point.. My life seems to be from Bridged Jones and baby movie. Sitting alone at home and at least still trying to make decision that I will survive from this day some how.
I know I should be happy about that I’m alive and have had chance to live 31 years already. In other hand I am but other hand I’m more lonely and sad than ever in my birthday.
Last year there was my love beside me (now ex) and some relatives and friends to with celebrate. One year before same situation. There have been someone in every year to spend this day at least in some point of the day. Today I will sit alone at home .. if I get my self out maybe going to by some food for my self and cook. (that eating part if any food is tasting for me..) Evening time I will work. First some meeting witch I remembered that I need to check where to go and after that it will be ice time. So yes there is nothing special for today to me.
Something positive outside is snowing and it’s white. Some one there is thinking that stop vining and do something special. Yep .. Maybe I try to do after all but … yes that famous but.. the thing is I don’t know how to get my self to do it. Even I do it anything I know already that yes I enjoy bit but it’s some how 50% enjoying and other half being sad because I don’t have really anyone to share that with. Oh Loneliness !
I have noticed that after brake up I haven’t trust anyone anymore or maybe the best days maybe but in bad days not at all. I don’t believe that there is anybody who genuinely want’s to be with me and part of my life. I have to survive all on my self is the biggest thought in my head. I have to lear to be just alone happy without anyone else, I can’t rely on anyone . I’m just waiting thats when next people is saying that “I ca’t do this anymore. Have nice life and I just hope all the best for you.”. If I look back to my life that brake up was just the top of the ice berg and all under that was what was really sinking my Titanic.
I Know all bullying at school, leaving out of groups and family things during my life time have made me unsure about everything. Also many times I feel to be clumsy when I need to be with other peoples at least with new peoples. My fist thought is many times if she or he don’t like me? If I say something wrong? How I should behave? What if I’m failing this too? Oh I’m not same level than him/her!, I need to be better……, do more….., Be less….. ,I have wrong….. how many times I have feel that I’m not enough to be as I’m. Millions. It’s sad. I know it’s stupid but I don’t really know how to do this to myself better. Some days I’m more confident about 30% off year and other more or less unsure.
Believe me I’m working everyday to fight for it. I want to believe peoples and me that there is still good in them and in me to find for others. That I’m enough as I am. I have met awesome persons who haven’t been nothing else than nice to me. Same time thing is I’m too scared to let anyone near me anymore. Hopefully some one can some day help me to brake this walls around me again. I really hope and I do my best to help them even it is hard. I want to stay HOPEFUL !
I miss peoples around me and I like to be social. Even I don’t know how to be in those situations always. I would love to learn. Or do I know already but I just don’t realize that my self? Anyways if they say that human is social animal .. I know that I’m too even I like to be sometimes also just in peace by my self. Still I’m missing peoples around me.
So yes today is hard day for me and I hope that I can turn that thing around and evening time I could say that I’m more happy than now. Alone or with someone.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY HENNETTE YOU DESERVE IT” .. at least I hope so!
With Love: Hennette